Okay, time to come clean...I cannot believe that i am doing this. I have Chron's disease. I also take major amounts of narcotic pain meds. The meds constipate me. The Chron's causes the other. I have to maintain a delicate balance of stool softeners, and occasional, we'll say "other" things to keep a somewhat "normal" bowel movement schedule. It's difficult. I either walk around with a rotting gut of shit, or spend days rushing to the toilet. I am much better at keepin it under control now, but about a year ago...
I was pushing and pushing, you get the idea. I couldn't figure out why it felt like I had a giant turd hanging out of my rear after wiping it gently with a wet wipe. Upon a minimul amount of inspection, I realized that it was not a turd, it was my ass-hole. I FREAKED OUT, needless to say. I have had some rear end issues for quite some time. I honestly believe that I suffered abuse at the hands of a very Okie grandmother who was either a pervert, a very wicked woman, or at least seriously misinformed. I have spoken to others of my general age who said that they had grandmothers that would also stick an enema or a suppository up their ass for things like a headache (seriously) and none of us can figure out WHAT the deal was with them. Anyway, I never told on her, I don't know why, but I learned never to complain about ANY kind of illness around her, that's for sure. I think she damaged my ass permanently w/her disgusting fascination with vowel movements. She is why I believe that I have Chron's in the 1st place. Not an educated guess, in any way, shape, or form, just trying to find someone to blame for this hideous malady.
Anyway, I called to my hubby (poor guy) and screamed that i thought my ass had come out, and he wanted to see. There was no way in HELL, but I couldn't even walk, it felt as tho' there was a 4x4 shoved up my ass and hanging out. So what did this grown woman w/two kids of her own do at 10pm at nite, call her mommy, of course! I had pretty much no shame when it came to my butt by then, but my hubby is still an off limits thing. I'd like to seem sexy to him SOMETIMES! When I was younger, I had a left lateral internal sphincterotomy. Meaning I had a fissure on my butt that wouldn't heal, so they went in under general anesthesia and cut my sphincter to stop it from spasming, and driving me stark raving nuts, as I was already on the brink because I'd been dealing with it for 5-6 months. Imagine thinking about your ass 24/7 for weeks, months on end, having MD's misdiagnose you, and put those "looking inside your butt tools" in me over and over, when it was the worst thing that they could have done for a fissure. Anyway, the fissure healed, and on came the Chron's and all of it's glory.
My mom arrived at my house to find me laying at the French doors in my kitchen begging for a smoke, because I was sure I waas going to the hospital, and wouldn't be smoking anywhere for a while, let alone illegally (by my own rules) inside...with 1/2 or what seemed to me like 1/2 of my ass hanging out of my butt hole. She asked to see, and the look on her face sent me into a hysterical bawling fit/temper tantrum, the likes of which no two year old has ever seen. As I smoked, and was being bitched at by mom (smoking was the last thing that I needed ...why? I don't know), and trying to decide if I was going to let cute ambulance drivers into my home to tell them what the problem was, or if I was able to get into the car ( the better scenario, even if it was more painful for me) as far as I was concerned. I have a thing for firemen and paramedics. lol! It seemed to go back in by itself, so I went to the MD the next day. I had ANOTHER fissure, this time cured by nitrogylerin cream (oh! the headaches! that you get from smearing it on your ass to encourage blood flow and healing). I make sure to take my fiber, stool softeners, and try to minimize morphine intake if at all possible, to keep this from ever happening again, as my chances of actually having something like THAT happen to me have risen signigicantly.
It was THE most horrifying thing that has happened to me, and remember I had already had surgery on my sphincter, so it was bad! I will absolutely DIE if i ever have to have this surgery, I live in fear of it! Dale asked how I could even watch it. It was like having an out-of-body experience, the terror level was THAT high! I am
I have never shoved anything in my butt, it is an exit only part of my body, so I am still blaming my dead grandmother. I would not wish that evening on anyone! Nor the MD appt, the next day, where they have a special "chair" that puts you in a "butt up" position, like a baby sleeping with it's legs tucked under itself. Horrifying, to say the least.
So, my friends, take your fiber, and do not strain when going #2. If you have to hold your breath, you are pushing too hard, that's what I was told anyway.
Great story, eh? Now you know my dirty little secret, one of them anyway. Being sick sucks. Ass issues suck even worse.
