hey, y'all. you probably haven't noticed that i've been fairly quiet, certainly not by the evidence of the outburst i just had in the comment section -- what about? what else? freaking reposts!
{it is soooo clear that everyone who engages in the snipping and snarking about reposts is purging negative energy of some kind, and that it has shit to do with reposts! it's a horse we know how to beat to death, and who will agree with us, and who won't, and whom it is easy to gang up on. it's lame, but that's us, apparently. oh, go ahead, and say something ridiculous like "not me, prof. you don't know what you be talking about, beyatch."}
i am so tired of being sick and tired that i am commandeering this space to vent. y'all can just move along to the next train wreck. nothing to see here!
1. very high and constant pain levels not a heck of a lot deterred by methadone, percocet, amitriptyline, prednisone and other doodads. i have seriously SERIOUSLY considered performing a DIY amputation of my right leg. all the research says that amputation is futile against this type of CNS-based pain. [i know you don't understand... it's a combination of CRPS I and II, osteomyelitis, avascular necrosis, lupus -- to hit the high points! the crps and avn i have in almost every bone and in all major joints. osteomyelitis has so far been confined to both shoulders but the thinking of the exSpurts is that it is likely in my knees and perhaps one hip. the pain -- well, obviously i don't have the capacity to explain it.
2. i had a terrible experience way back when -- as an undergrad -- of being stalked. my stalker then ended up killing himself. i now have a "cyber"stalker. it is a woman that i befriended and have been trying to help for about 2 years now -- if *anything* she ever told me is true, she is close to being homeless and struggles with severe mental health issues, primarily borderline personality disorder and dependent personality disorder. things recently came to a head [ahhh!] and while busting my hump to get her information and help, as well as provide what little emotional support i could, she went wacko.
in fact... she will probably find *this* and join PTZ. everywhere i "go" on the web, she is right behind me. i am now questioning my own mental health -- beyond a pretty chronic clinical depression -- as i have been kind of reliving my experiences with brian. he was very violent, and while i remain very sad to this day that he took his own life? mine was in the balance and i really believe it easily could have been a murder-suicide scenario.
PTSD? i hope not, as there are people with *real* problems (like war) who deserve to claim that.
3. my guy -- we've been together now for 19 years -- has adhd. oh. my. god. i have reached the point where i cannot handle the blithe "i'll do it tomorrow, be sure and remind me!" there are some things that i have been requesting for YEARS now, and these things are not complicated, difficult, or expensive. i only ask for help with things that i cannot physically do.
4. lastly (yay!) -- my mother is seriously, seriously ill. we have a strange and strained relationship. oh shoot, we don't even have a relationship, really! she left her first batch of kids when i was 4 and since that time she and i have not spent more than a few weeks time together. so it is a weird feeling to know that she's at the end of her life. i cannot invent common experiences, i cannot pretend to even know much about her. i also cannot convince my two brothers to even contact her. neither of them have seen or spoken to her since they were children. i am the "token" rep! my half-siblings are very nice and i don't envy them having to put up with her sudden remorse and memories.
okay... that's it.
no wait...
4. uncle kitty big balls, our newest recruit, seems to be on some sort of mission to take over the household and i detest power struggles, even among cats.
there.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[not to worry -- yes, i have lots of people with whom i can share and from whom i can get support -- but sometimes i just need to babble. get it out without anyone interrupting or going "there, there" or (not to be offensive, but) wanting to turn it all over to the Looorrrrd. so thank you for your forgiveness and i will try not to do this but, say, once a year.]
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