This is the story of the zit that would not quit.
So I woke up this morning, and I happened to notice a familiar pain right between the front of my cheek and the flare of my nostril. Yep. A zit. And not just any zit, but a zit that clearly has an agenda. A zit that has taken an important group of nerves hostage and that has made itself an entrenched stronghold in the fold of my face and nostril. No sir, it isn’t coming out, and it’s making itself understood by jangling that bundle of nerves every time I so much as twitch that area of my face. What a way to start the day!
So I get up and I walk to the bathroom, turning on all of the lights. I begin to survey the land, looking for any sign of weakness; any small purchase that could be used to begin an extraction operation in order to liberate the nervous hostages and oust this would-be terrorist of my face and his unacceptable jihad. Sadly, I find nothing. This zit has done its homework. Looks like I’m going to have to make a direct attack, so I turn on the hot water and grab a soft cloth. I gently wipe at my face, over the top of the zit, hoping to clear a bit of dirt and open the pores a bit. Sometimes a little sweet-talking and coaxing will get the zit to come out peaceably. But no, this time it’s just not going to go for it. Okay, now we’ll try a little glycerin soap and gentle scrubbing. Okay, now reapply the hot rag and gentle wiping. Nope. He’s a dedicated little terrorist of a zit.
Okay. He wants to play hardball? I can handle that. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve that would make the most hardened KGB agent wince. I have yet to fail an extraction operation, and I don’t plan to change that any time soon. So I’ve tried the easy ways, now it’s time to get a little tougher. I get a cotton ball and the alcohol, and clean my fingertips and the area of the zit. Get it nice and clean and dry. Hold your fire comrades; I’m going in…
What will hero our do? Will he take drastic measures? Or will the zit give up and come quietly? Stay tuned to read the end of this epic battle between a man and his sebaceous glands.
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This is the story of the zit that would not quit. (Part two)
In the first half of our story we come to find our hero under attack by a sinister agent of Acne. He surveys the land looking for a way in, and finding none, decides to take a full frontal assault. He starts out trying to coax out the zit, the plan doesn’t work and we left off just as the hero went to take more drastic measures.
I use my thumbs and middle fingers to flatten out the terrain, squashing my nostril and pulling it back to be nearly on plane with my cheek. I then apply firm and steady pressure with my fingernails on either side of the zit. He’s pissed at my audacity and I can tell because he’s hurtin’ me good in return. I steadily apply more pressure and I can see his head but he just won’t budge. I pull back and try from a different angle, but the result is the same. Perhaps I need to make the point of extraction a little larger so he has less to grab onto.
What I need is a needle. I go find one, and bring it back to the bathroom with me. A little alcohol prep and I think I am ready. I take the needle and I gingerly pick at the surface. I seem to make a little bit of headway but I also start to bleed a little. Oh well, can’t always get away unscathed. I pick a little bit more and then pull the small tab of skin off. This seems to have exposed the zit a decent bit more. So I try one more time to pull the skin of my face apart and dig into the sides, but just as happened before, I merely see the head of my adversary, and get no further. Suddenly I get an idea, and I quickly duck and flank, digging in further behind him, and beginning my squeeze assault again.
He wasn’t expecting this, and I gain ground quickly. He is unable to fend me off now, and with one last bit of pressure I eject him from his stronghold, where he is quickly removed from the scene. The nerve hostages are shaken, but otherwise unharmed. A little bit of washing up with some glycerin soap and a small application of some anti-bacterial gel will see to it that the now deserted fortification does not get infected. My duty done here, I turn out the lights, and go get dressed for the day ahead of me.
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